Processing Feelings We Don’t Want To Have!

Let’s face it: we all have feelings we wish we didn’t have. We would prefer to be easy-going and nonchalant. Some people just seem to take life as easy. Some are faking it. And some people have found a way to take things as they come. 

I was that little girl who was constantly disappointed on my birthday. In my mind, it was a day destined to revolve around me… and be perfect. And I expected my parents to surprise me with the perfect present. And then I would receive “The Franklin Wordmaster.” Has anyone heard of it? These were the pre-computer days. It was an electronic dictionary that you could also play hangman on. It was way too educational and practical for me to consider fun. And I was devastated. I can still feel my frustration and desperation at being so misunderstood. It was visceral.

There are countless other moments in which I expected more and was disappointed by: Valentine’s Day, birthdays, sleepovers, and first days of school… was it the incident that hurt? And if it wasn’t the actual incident, then we become so much more powerful because it is in our state of mind. 

I believe that it is a combination of expectations (the way we think things should be), how we feel about our feelings, how we explain and interpret the world, and our thinking patterns (both cognitive distortions and negative automatic thoughts). 

We are constantly explaining the world to ourselves.  On the edge of experience is our little internal translator, rating how things are going based on how things should be or what we assume. We do this all the time and it is these interpretations that make any unpleasant feeling that much worse and longer lasting.  Sometimes even imprinting the moment deeply upon us, making the next frustration or disappointment even more powerful.

We react emotionally to these explanations rather than to the facts.

To help yourself out of these automatic appraisals and expectations here are some tools to guide yourself while having an unpleasant feeling: 

1. Notice what you are feeling. Try to get specific and label your emotion(s). Notice the sensations in your body. Go deeper than “I don’t like that.” Go to the body and the sensations. Get physical. What are you feeling inside? Where? What intensity? By taking the time to notice what is going on inside your body (where in your body; temperature; and what kind of sensation), you create space for a pause or space between your feeling and your reaction. 

2. Ask yourself if the feelings serve a purpose? What is the purpose? Are the feelings old and stale, or new and motivating? Notice what the feelings are asking of you. Is it an instinctual old reaction? Is it an old story coming up?

3. Are there any thoughts that come up? (Like your expectation of the worst-case scenario). Is there anything repetitive?

By thinking about our underlying thoughts about a situation, we can actually change how we feel. We can process unpleasant situations without shying away and feeling aversion…

Aversion is a big one and a topic for another day.

Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?

 My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change. 

*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.

*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.

*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.

Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.

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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!