People Pleasers: How Avoiding Conflict Stifles Depth
Do you ever feel like something is on the tip of your tongue asking you to understand it? It is calling you to explore… go deeper as it keeps bumping into you saying: “Look! Look!”
As a psychotherapist, emotion and relationship coach, I look for patterns in both cycles of behavior and in the inner experience of my clients. Each impacts the other. Today a really interesting dynamic jumped out at me. My client was talking to me about his partnership and how he often protects himself and others from conflict by censoring himself (through words and actions). He fears conflict and the discomfort of causing another person pain so chooses to avoid. He often doesn’t say how he feels, he apologizes to stifle conflict, he shortens his trip, he comes home early, etc… when he thinks he would be causing his partner pain.
What he (and many of us) unknowingly do is limit the depth of our relationships. We don’t allow the other person to show up for us. We don’t allow them to see our true needs and if they can handle them. We don’t allow them to adapt, to feel discomfort, to decide how they want to react. We, instead make the decision for them and in the meantime, mute ourselves and leave them without a voice or a choice either.
Our relationships can not go deeper because we aren’t exposing our authentic selves. Our partner can’t surprise us. They can’t adapt or hold space for us. And this leaves us frustrated by not expressing our needs or doing what we want to do. We may become resentful: we are not doing what we want to do, and instead of being angry at ourselves for OUR choices, we resent the other for the feeling we had no choice. As we begin to untangle what we choose and what we have been doing on automatic pilot, we have the space to decide what we want and how we want to live.
As we are less fearful of conflict and more confident expressing our needs, we create a space for deeper connection, for other people to accept us fully, and to receive what we desire. Our courage sets the tone for different kinds of relationships. And maybe the situation would unfold differently?
Journal Prompts:
Do you notice this pattern in your life? Write down what you were thinking when you censored yourself. What were you avoiding feeling? What did you lose? What could you have gained by expressing how you felt? How could the situation have played out differently if you had let it unfold?
Are you interested in working on your personal development? Are you looking for a life coach or a life consultant? Are you feeling stagnant? Do you want to jumpstart change?
My transformational approach is a process where awareness, alignment, and action work together as catalysts to create momentum for change.
*Awareness is knowing what you genuinely want and need.
*Alignment is the symmetry between our values and our actions. It means our inner and outer worlds match.
*Action is when you are conscious that what you say, do and think are in harmony with your values.
Together we build an understanding of what you want to accomplish, and delve deeply into building awareness around any thoughts and assumptions that you may already have. To truly transform your life, I will empower you to rethink what’s possible for you.
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