Conflict Management
Communication strategies involve effort and care…
Arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. Some degree of conflict is healthy, as it means both people are expressing themselves, rather than keeping everything bottled up and avoiding the issues.
But if you’re arguing all the time, or simple disagreements end up in hostile silence or screaming matches, it starts to erode the relationship.
Learning ways to handle disagreements constructively is crucial in any relationship. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you deal with it that is important.
Why are you having conflict?
It is useful to think of an argument like an onion. The outer layer is what you're speaking about, while the deeper layers beneath represent the issues underneath that are either your deeper fears or your personal triggers or insecurities. Sometimes what we argue about is only a symptom of what's going wrong, not the cause.
If you find you and your partner argue frequently or about the same topics continuously, it’s good idea to think about what’s really causing the conflict. Are you arguing about what you think you’re arguing about – or are there other things going on in the relationship that frustrate or worry you?
You may want to consider other influences too: have there been any recent changes in your lives that may have put extra pressure on either of you?
Maybe you have been spending less quality time together than before? Has there been an incident that one or both of you is struggling to get over? Maybe you have stopped putting active energy into showing your partner attention and appreciation? Did you argue less in the past? And if so, why do you think that is?
Seeing past your emotions and trying to look at the wider context of the situation is a great way to unravel what is really going on.
Talking it over
Try to talk things over in a calm way, knowing the goal is understanding each other. This can be really difficult when you’re feeling emotional, these strategies can help:
Timing: If you are feeling overcome by emotions, it is probably better to talk when you have both calmed down. Studies have found that when you feel flooded, you are unable to think rationally or even see an alternative perspective. It is a good idea to have the conversation at a time when you’re both able to focus on it and have time to talk (not immediately before you have to go to work or with the TV on in the background).
Gentle start up: How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. Remember that blaming your partner only leads them to feel defensive or closed. It is useful to start by saying something positive. When a partner starts the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both partners to feel positive about themselves and their marriage.
Complain without blame and state a positive need: “Here’s how I feel…about a specific situation and here’s what I need…” (positive need, not what you don’t need)
Describe what is happening: Don’t judge or blame, speak like a newspaper reporter, explaining what has happened. Communicate what you see will help your partner from feeling attacked. You can describe the incident as if you were narrating a newspaper article, as fact based.
Be polite and appreciative: Adding phrases such as “please” and “I appreciate it when you…” can be helpful in keeping the conversation warm and emotionally connected.
Start with ‘I’ statements, not ‘you’ statements: I statements are less critical and don’t make the listener as defensive as “you” statements. This means your partner is less likely to feel attacked, and you’ll be taking responsibility for your own emotions.
Take responsibility: “I share some responsibility for this…”
Try to see things from your partner’s perspective: A conversation is unlikely to go anywhere productive unless both participants feel listened to. It can be tempting to just try to get your point across, but if you want to resolve things, it’s really important you take the time to hear what your partner has to say too. They may have an entirely different perspective – one you’ll need to understand if you want to get to the root of what’s going wrong. Try to validate each other’s feeling by saying things like: ‘It makes sense to me that you feel like that’. Making your partner feel heard can be hugely powerful.
Keep tabs on physical feelings: If things are getting too heated, it can be a good idea to take time out and come back once you’re both feeling calmer. Saying something you later regret because you were really worked up is only going to make the fight worse.
Be prepared to compromise: Often the only way to reach a solution is for both partners to give some ground. If both of you stick rigidly to your desired outcome, the fight is probably just going to keep going and going. Compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. Compromise is not one person changing. It’s about negotiating and discovering ways to accommodate each other. Compromise is impossible unless you accept your partner’s flaws. It might be that one or both of you need to compromise a little so that you’re able to move past things. Sometimes, an imperfect solution is better than no solution at all.
How NOT to argue:
There are lots of destructive things that people do in arguments that tend to make conflict worse. Try to avoid the following:
Stonewalling: This is a total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. It usually leaves the conversation with nowhere to go. Stonewalling is often used by people who don’t like conflict and try to avoid it. It’s common in relationships for one partner to habitually stonewall, while the other gets frustrated trying to get answers.
Criticism: Commenting negatively, over and above the current problem. 'You're always late.' This can cause the other person to feel attacked and threatened. This behaviour often creates a very defensive response, and then can be the trigger for a real shouting match.
Contempt: sneering, belligerence or sarcasm. 'You think you're so intelligent.' This is unproductive and often leads to the other person feeling belittled and humiliated.
Defensiveness. Aggressively defending and justifying oneself. 'You have no idea how hard I am working.' The other person often feels there is an assumption of what they lack or are not doing. The partner is likely to feel attacked and the argument is likely to escalate.
For more information about these behaviors that lead to more conflict and damage in the relationship, see Dr. John Gottman’ s research on “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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