Another Way to Fight and Repair
When I get into a big argument with my partner, I feel overwhelmed. My body is taken over by emotion and by physical dis-ease. My productivity levels plummet. I know we will make it through but the disharmony disturbs me. But that isn’t always a reason to resolve the disagreement quickly. Sometimes we need time to think and understand what happened in our cycle.
You can still be angry and upset... AND still signal that this is a secure relationship.
In a safe & secure partnership there is space for the contradictions. There is space to be angry while also:
*Wanting the other person to know the relationship isn't threatened.
*Wanting the other person to know there will be apologies, responsibility taken, and repair.
*Knowing that no matter how hard things get for a day, a week, a season, you're a team and you'll get through it TOGETHER.
*That love is NOT withheld out of punishment.
*They will not isolate each other and be silent for days on end.
*That even though they're mad or hurt, they still love each other.
How you handle the HARD moments is everything.
The next time you have an argument, give your partner some kind of signal that you will repair and you love them. This could be a soft touch, a joke, a short note, or a text. You don't have to be ready to talk to let them know they're still safe in the partnership.
Once you are ready to talk you can think about:
What do you do in conflict that is disconnecting? How do you contribute to the cycle of conflict? Do you need to be right? Do you have to prove your point? Do you shut down and close off access to yourself? Explore.
And then get curious about it. Replace shame and embarrassment with curiosity. In what way has that behavior protected you in the past?
Thinking about the dynamic helps you to change the future rather than have another version of the same argument again and again. The content of the argument may seem different, but often it is the same core issue that comes up over and over.
Are you looking for help with your relationship? Do you feel that a relationship coach could help you working on your couples skills? Is communication an issue? Have you ever considered couples therapy or counseling? As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I am uniquely positioned to help you through these moments of disconnect and conflict.
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Learn more about my approach to life consulting and relationship coaching here or get in touch for your free 30-minute consultation here! Don’t forget to follow along @LilyManne on social for more regular updates!
